4 Common Toxic Traits

I think it's clear that no one is perfect. We are all human beings — we make mistakes, say the wrong things sometimes, and maybe even experience emotional breakdowns from time to time. What separates that from an actual trait is something that happens consistently over time. It's chronic, it's pervasive, and it doesn't seem to get any better with time.

As a therapist, when I'm working with couples and individuals, I'm constantly assessing for these patterns and always trying to identify whether a behavior is something "normal" or something pathological. Over the years, I've seen some pretty common ones. Here are my top 4 most common toxic traits.

1. Lying

We aren't just talking about white lies here. These are the types of lies that impact trust directly. Examples include: lying about a gambling problem, lying about the nature of a chat or text message with someone, lying about money being earned or spent, or lying about where you are going or who you are with. All of these types of lies are fatal to TRUST in the relationship. Learn to get your needs met with the truth.

2. Projecting

You're dramatic and you call the other person dramatic. You have poor self-esteem and you tell them they can't take any criticism. Basically, if you're the one with the problem, you immediately shift it away from yourself and accuse the other person of being that. This is a sign of someone with a poor sense of self and low emotional IQ — and it is fatal to the GROWTH of the individual and the relationship they are in. Learn to have insight and own your behavior once and for all.

3. Denial

The denial I speak of here is not what you might be thinking — it's denying the other person's point of view, feelings, and beliefs. This usually happens when someone tries to express themselves and instead of listening and hearing them out, you say something like, "well you heard it wrong," "you took it the wrong way," or flat out, "you're wrong." Denying someone their own feelings is fatal to the OPENNESS of the relationship — because who wants to open up to someone who is just going to dismiss their feelings? Learn to accept that other people's feelings matter just as much as yours.

4. Aggression

This includes all forms of aggression: verbal, body language, physical, and passive aggression — which also includes silent treatments. Most people will raise their voices in a heated discussion, but the kind of aggression I'm talking about is the kind that creates a sense of fear over what will happen next. Maybe you start saying things designed to hurt, or you slam your fist on the table. Silent treatments? This one typically cuts people's hearts — nothing says "you're invisible to me" like giving someone the cold shoulder. This is fatal to the SAFETY of a relationship.

The Good News

The good news is that you probably learned these behaviors from someone else and just ran with them. It may have worked at some point, but as you can see, it's just toxic. No one enjoys being toxic. So do something for yourself — get some help, get some therapy, and learn how to change these behaviors for good.