Counseling for Separation? Yes.

While I was in college, it dawned on me that I would be seeing couples and what not. I was in a relationship, things weren't always right, and I asked myself, "If I'm not perfect and my relationship isn't perfect, well then how am I supposed to give others advice?" And then it became clear: It was never supposed to be this way.

The amount of responsibility tied to these beliefs of always having to know, be able to fix everyone — it left my mind and my body in that moment, and it was the greatest thing ever. The idea that I can say, "I don't know..." or "This is beyond my expertise" finally became an option.

So when I started seeing couples, I began to realize that clients don't necessarily know this part. I think most clients have this idea that we KNOW everything and when you go to couples counseling, it's to fix them no matter how bad things are or how unhealthy they have become.

Because of that unrealistic expectation, I make it clear to everyone: counseling can make things worse, and counseling doesn't always work. Even though I am a Marriage & Family Therapist, there is one thing I'm not — a Magician.

When Counseling Confirms Separation

Sometimes people stay in relationships longer than they needed to. Sometimes they have hurt each other beyond repair. Sometimes the amount of change required is too much. Not everyone has the commitment and the desire to change what's wrong in the relationship — so they come here to find out if their relationship is salvageable.

Am I the one who decides? Technically speaking, No. The couple does. I bring to light everything that is wrong in the relationship and I help them each see what changes need to take place. At that point, it is for each of them to decide if what that change requires is too much. And sometimes it is.

I always say that 100 pennies still equals a dollar. And the day you cancelled your date, the time you forgot to get groceries, or the times you made dinner just for yourself — those disappointments add up. And they all create the same emotional debt.

So as you can see, counseling isn't just to help couples stay together. Sometimes it's to confirm that separation or divorce may be what makes sense.