Is there such a thing as "Too Late for Counseling?"

In short, Yes. I really didn't take too much pleasure in writing this particular blog because it's not a fun topic to write about, much less discuss in therapy. Getting a divorce goes contrary to the assumption one might make about getting therapy — that we go to therapy to fix things and that everything will be better. But the truth is, just like waiting too long to see the dentist, you might be losing some teeth. Waiting too long to get treatment for cancer might lead to death, and waiting too long to get therapy will lead to divorce or a guaranteed unhappy life should you choose to stick it out.

What Do Therapists Look For?

When we are assessing and evaluating your situation, we are documenting what we might consider non-negotiables, assessing for chronicity — that is, how long has this been a problem? We are considering the level of openness each of you have, your motivations for change, the breadth of the problems you are presenting. Are you here because of communication issues, or are there fidelity issues, financial irresponsibility, fundamental personality differences?

As a marriage and family therapist, a high degree of the issues we see has to do with communication. On average, most people present with 3–4 separate issues which I find completely manageable, unless they are chronic. Chronic means something happening on a weekly to every other week basis for a greater part of the relationship.

Pennies versus Dollars

What would you rather have? 100 pennies or 1 dollar bill? Of course, the dollar bill! Therapy is no different. I'd much rather have a couple present with one big issue than 100 little ones — because literally and symbolically, 100 pennies weigh infinitely more than the dollar bill. When couples are presenting with multiple issues spanning parenting, holidays, family, sex, intimacy — we are talking long-term therapy. Weekly visits, over a year. That requires a high degree of commitment which, in my professional experience, most don't have.

Who Decides When It's Too Late?

I can make a clinical opinion about the issues presented, how often a couple needs to be seen, and who's motivated to change. But ultimately, it's the clients who decide if the damage is too much — and it typically plays out in therapy. Some people through therapy begin to realize that the level of work required to fix the relationship is just too great. And you know what, I honor that.

In the end, it's sad. It's sad that two people couldn't get it together sooner. It's sad that people don't resolve their childhood stuff before they jump into relationships. But if this blog has inspired you to get therapy — then great!