The Blame Game Cure: Must Read

One of the first steps in meeting with couples, I'm gathering information and assessing the situation. I really pay attention to the language that people use, their speech patterns and especially the types of words they use to describe their problems. In the end however, nearly 100% of all couples blame each other. They fall into the myth that if everyone acted right, then they would never have to resort to whatever defense mechanism they use.

How people convey this isn't as obvious as you'd expect. They typically start off by giving examples of how things fall apart and it usually ends with each of them telling me how it's the other person's fault. Ironically, when the other person tells their version of events, it magically turns out to be the other person's fault.

The 2 Rules of Accountability

The way we resolve this dilemma early on in therapy is by teaching them both the 2 rules of accountability moving forward: Be responsible for our Actions and our Reactions.

In truth, no one is perfect and sometimes we are the ones instigating and Acting, and other times, we're Reacting to someone else. In both scenarios, we are responsible for ourselves. There are no excuses now.

Some couples seem to be disappointed with this new boundary because it means that they will now have to be responsible for ALL of their behaviors — and they have been living their entire lives telling themselves that it's them, not me. In other couples, it's a sigh of relief because for the first time in their relationship, people HAVE to be accountable for their behaviors and all the excuses that people make for their reactions are gone.

By teaching couples this strategy, it raises their awareness and their consciousness about how they are acting and reacting to one another. If someone approaches you in a harsh way, old you justifies your reactions to be just as harsh or even harsher. The new you takes a step back and says, "Do I want to make things better or easier?"

By holding ourselves accountable for our actions and reactions, it's harder to justify and excuse the inexcusable. When the couple enters therapy, they are both in agreement to hold themselves accountable. The fact is one of them at some point will instigate an issue — and it's up to the other one to choose a therapeutic response, or as I refer to it, a "marriage promoting move."