The Exchange of Emotions in Therapy: Transference and Counter-Transference

Transference and Counter-Transference

I remember sitting in class and learning about this thing in therapy that occurs between you and your therapist. It was called Transference. And I thought, "so there's a word for this?" I always just thought this was called a reaction — but transference goes a little deeper than just a reaction.

Transference, in a nutshell, is a set of feelings and emotions you may have experienced towards a parent, a sibling, or a significant other that are subconsciously directed toward someone else — in this case, your therapist.

Counter-transference is the therapist's emotional reaction to their clients.

So why am I bringing this up? Because in therapy, believe it or not, this happens all the time. Let me illustrate a few scenarios where this happens.

Scenario 1: I Become Someone's Parent

A client is telling her story and at some point says, "yes I know I'm screwed up." In this moment, this person has identified me (the therapist) as a mother or father — or someone else who probably labeled her this way — and now she carries the belief that she is. This is transference in action.

Scenario 2: I Become Someone's Spouse

The therapist highlights how a client's loud tone, facial expressions, and rolling of her eyes could be taken as disrespectful, and she says, "oh... you sound just like my husband... guys stick together." In this moment she now sees me as her husband for two reasons: I'm a man, and I have pointed out something she has heard before.

Scenario 3: I Become Someone's Unmet Emotional Need

Through validation, effective listening, empowerment, and unconditional positive self-regard, a client begins to experience subconscious feelings towards the therapist. This feeling is most likely unconditional love — which can be experienced by feeling heard, valued, supported, and respected. It meets an emotional need people never received from parents, siblings, or spouses.

Why This Matters

All of this is normal and it happens in therapy. The key is to process what feelings come up, because in most cases, clients are opening up in a very meaningful way that they probably never have with anyone.

I know that at times I do upset my clients because I may remind them of someone from their past, especially when we do role playing. Therapists are not supposed to be blind cheerleaders who always agree — sometimes we have to point things out. But just trust me when I say, it always comes from a good place.

Antonio Medina is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in McKinney, Texas.